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Follow these simple rules and you have at least a
chance of ending the film by having a sexual liaison
interrupted by a farcical phone call from MI6. Annoying
as this may be, it's not half as annoying as being
dead...
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How To Be A Bond Girl
12th December 2002
Do not accept offers of employment as the villain's sidekick,
mistress, etc. You may have a little difficulty identifying
the villain.
Steer clear of anyone with an army of sinister bodyguards,
advisers, just in case. Just occasionally these people turn
out to have a heart of gold, but more often than not they're
poison.
Dress and behave demurely, at least at first. Cardigan,
not bikini. Feisty defiance, not threatened sexual harassment
suit. Squeal and hit villain over the head with pot, not
calmly take aim with AK-47. We take no responsibility for
grave disappointment if you apply this rule in the Real
World.
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If at all possible, don't make your entrance until at least
half way through the film. We appreciate that it may be
rather hard to tell how far the film has progressed when
you make your appearance, and that accidents do happen.
As soon as you have a chance, therefore, check James Bond's
luggage for stamps from exotic locations. If the exotic
location in which you find yourselves is the first one he's
visited, you may have appeared too soon.
Never go into the hotel room first.
Leave the hotel room at once before you find yourself dead
in some unlikely manner.
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Don't own a yacht, it only leads to trouble. You can, however,
own a Cleopatra-style barge if you really must.
Expect trouble from inoffensive vehicles like dune buggies
or milk floats.
Helicopters and other forms of aerial transport will go
out of control at least once during any given journey. This
is just a charming little quirk. In fact they are safer
than dune buggies or milk floats.
If you find some other lady on the scene when you make your
appearance, do not panic. She has committed the folly of
appearing too early and will pay the penalty. But do not
scope out her clothes with the intent of taking advantage
of her imminent death. They may still be infested with scorpions,
etc., and besides, they won't fit.
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Do not worry unduly if you are called upon to play a part
in the final assault on the villain's base. Automatic weapon
fire and bombs will be going off all around you. You may
well appear to be in danger of imminent death from drowning,
fire, volcano, or explosive decompression. Nevertheless,
you will be as safe as houses. The only inconveniences you
are likely to suffer are some smoke damage to your clothing
and possibly some dishevelling to your hair.
Villains' bases are in fact substantially less dangerous
than hotel rooms. (Important note: this rule only applies
during the FINAL assault.)
Never follow the villain, or anyone suspicious for that
matter, or attempt to defeat him without the direct aid
of Bond. This will result in being captured and taken away
in his vehicle. If you do happen to find yourself in one
of these situations, do not panic. He will most likely just
have you wear a bikini and keep you at his lair until Bond
rescues you.
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